I just do not understand how my daughter, the one I raised can be so cruel.  How would she feel if her son desided never to speak to her again?  Janet used to say, what you do comes back double.  I hope she never gets to find out how this feels.  I hope my enemies never now how this feels.  My only daughter.  My heart is broken.  And she just doesn't care.  I'm beginning to think I may need to be medicated.  It's been 6 weeks.  I try not to feel angry about it.  I'v tried not to tell anyone any detail about it.  But it really makes no difference if I share or not, the result is the same.  She is not talking to me.  So this is the story.

I went to Texas to visit over Labor Day.  We were having a great time.  During my visit she shared several times about how much smarter Thomas was than the child she babysits.  It was very negative.  On the morning I was leaving Nicolas came over.  This was the first time I had met him.  He just sat there crying.  Kelly walked by several times and just kinda yelled shut up.  Anyway, when we were ready to leave I walked Nicholas to the car, helped him in his seat, gave him his cup.  He seamed to calm down, he had stopped crying. We stopped at a Western Wear store, as I wanted to get something for my boys before returning home.  Nicholas held my pinky the whole time very content and happy.  They dropped me at the airport and left.

Upon my return after having time to think, I called Kelly and told her that I thought she should handle Nicholas differently than Thomas.  He was someone else's son and he had a different temperment than Thomas and was not used to suckin it up.  I infact told her if I were his Mom and saw the way she was yelling shut up at him, I would not let her watch my son.  I know that was not a nice thing to say but she was not getting it.  After she hung up on me I later E-mailed an apology, but the apology was not acceptable.  As I re-interated that she should treat him differently.  I have apologized since and still she will not talk to me.  I did get and E-mail stating that I should stop telling everyone she hates me.  One of the E-mails she sent me stated that in the event of her death, john has orders to fill a restraining order against me so I will never see my grandsons.  Now does that sound like hate to you. 

Kelly says I have judged her, her whole life and she is finished with me.  Maybe I have, but to help her think about her actions and be her best.  Not because I do not love her.  I have been there her whole life for her.  Anything she has had need of I have done my best to get it for her.  From food, a hotel room, a bus ticket, a refrigerator, a bed, an air conditioner.  A new start in Florida.  Shoot I could have easily stayed in Indiana, no I left my jobs and friends to move to a job I did not have yet, no friends.  And the move caused such a strain on the relationship with my sister, I almost lost that.  And I love my sister.  I love all my sisters.  Even the one that hasn't talked to me in nine years.  I still wish her well. 

My phone has not rung in days.  I guess I really do not have friends or family that care.  Do I sit back and say nothing?  What do I do?  The only thing I'v been doing is going to work coming home and sleeping. 

Anyway's that's the big story.  I guess it doesn't matter if she knows I told it or not as things aren't changing anyway.  ANd it doesn't matter if you all get opinions of her or not cause she's still not speaking to me anyway.

I don't know but Pasta, all Pasta makes me ill.  Ever since the colitis and now Bagels.  Haven't had any in a while.  Do they have glutton in them as well? 

Was trying to add family to my facebook.  Have 28 members now.  Trying to find more.

Everything is pretty much the same here, hot outside spent all weekend in the pool.  Went to Fire Department Open House for 3rd year in a row.  Boys want to be Firefighters?  I hope they get an education and do something less physical.  But they are very small now, I should not even think about this now. blah blah blah.

Brad Paisley concert is Friday.  One of my friends can't make it, I have to find someone else to go?  Not everyone loves country music. 

I start my new work schedule tonight.  Have to get my blood pressure script re-filled today as I tend to get a bit stressed with change.  I will be in charge of Bus, Para Transit and Street car radio.  6:30pm til about midnight after that Para Transit and Street car are usually finished, except on Friday's when Street Car also runs till 2:30am.  That's when I get off.  It's usually pretty quite accept when there is something going down, an accident, a detour, a break down.  I will be 911 for all of them. 

My daughter sent an E-mail that she does not hate me.  She is just through with me.  Does some one say, in the event of there death there spouse has been instructed to fill a restraining order against you, and they do not hate you?   

I posed that question to her.  She claims I am trying to manipulate her and it will not work.

Does someone say , repeatedly, FU to there own Mother, really?  I would never treat my Mother, Step Mother or my enemy the way that she has been treating me. 

No one has the story as I will be blamed for sharing it. 

Beginning Monday.  M-F 6:30pm to 2:30am.

I may change home phone number to keep people from calling during day?  I will let you know.

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since I spoke with Kelly.  I assume no problems have occurred? 

Went to Church, then swam in the pool, ate fish sticks and sweet pickles for lunch - yum! Not.  Just low on groceries.  Don't worry we have food, selections will be better tomorrow.  Doing Laundry and kids are playing with Train tracks on the patio.  Boy they sure do disagree alot! 

Back to work tomorrow.  Have a new bid at work this week it'll start on Sunday, I've been thinking about taking a weekend shift.  Apparently if I take on that has Thursdays and Fridays off, I will automatically have to work all the Holidays.  Stevie doesn't want me to take it but we could use the overtime. I got a $1 an hour raise on he first.  any overtime I get would pay like 1 day worth an entire week of what he used to make in a week. I mean it's not like we have much family in town now.  Debbie left, Jenny and Ryan will be with his family.  Shella could go to Gainsville to be with Granddaughter,  they usually come here but It'll only be 8 hour shifts.  I am really contemplating it.  And in between Thanksgiving and Christmas is our Cruise.  I think it could be great.  Extra bucks for Cruise and right after if we over spend.  Bid will be over like the 10th of January. 

Well gonna talk about it more with Stevie.

See ya later.

Everyone else is sleeping.  Wondering what weather will be, thought I would like to go to Adventure Island or Busch Gardens today.  Have passes to Florida Aquarium but I'm waiting for a rainy day to do that inside stuff.  I don't know if it is all inside but most Aquariums are.  Never been to this one.

Still so sad!

Trying to keep busy to keep my mind off my pain.

Landon and Steven now have there own bedrooms.  All the books are finally unpacked from every where I have been hiding them.  Steven has torn up so many I have had to keep them hidden.  Must be 150, they are now all on my dress which is in Landon's room.  They have enjoyed getting to read them all.  I average 10 books a day now.

We had the boys pictures taken on 9/12 after bowling B-day Party.  They came back in, very cute. 

Was able to go threw the boys clothing, have one big box to send to Thomas.  Wonder if my daughter will even open it?  Others have asked for the boys clothes but I would rather they go to him. 

Went in pool a bit on Monday, seamed pretty cold.  Guess it's gonna get colder this week?  Darn, was hoping for more Sunshine.

Scheduled our family Christmas Card Pictures for 11/9/2009 so they should be back by Thanksgiving week.

This getting old, aching shit sucks!

Landon and Steven now have there own bedrooms.  All the books are finally unpacked from every where I have been hiding them.  Steven has torn up so many I have had to keep them hidden.  Must be 150, they are now all on my dress which is in Landon's room.  They have enjoyed getting to read them all.  I average 10 books a day now.

We had the boys pictures taken on 9/12 after bowling B-day Party.  They came back in, very cute. 

Was able to go threw the boys clothing, have one big box to send to Thomas.  Wonder if my daughter will even open it?  Others have asked for the boys clothes but I would rather they go to him. 

Went in pool a bit on Monday, seamed pretty cold.  Guess it's gonna get colder this week?  Darn, was hoping for more Sunshine.

Scheduled our family Christmas Card Pictures for 11/9/2009 so they should be back by Thanksgiving week.

This getting old, aching shit sucks!

I worked some OT last night.  In a position and at a time I have not worked in years.  Kinda fun.  I forgot how laid back it can be working on weekends.  It's because the public is not trying to get to work in mass, few routes going out so fewer problems with detours and Bus operations.  9 Hours of OT should be helpful.  Trying to save for the cruise in December, gotta take all the OT I can get.  At least a raise of $1 an hour starts 10/1.
 
Things have been tight since Stevie quit working. Lost that second income and had to add him to my insurance $400 a month.  Oh then we had to buy a second car, a Mini Van, to be able to get Steven to Pre-school.  I took loan against retirement money which worked out really great, I pay myself back the interest and it's is a much better rate than a car loan would be and comes out of my check.  So we paid cash for Van.  However, my Auto Insurance went up $80 a month.  So I have $1400 less coming in and $480 more going out.  Stevie is trying to get disability but in the mean time I am only source of income.

Helps to keep busy, I only cried like a minute at work yesterday.  I started to share with someone about Sugarland Concert and someone else jumped in, don't get her started and all I could think is that is the nicest thing that I have going on in my life and it's better to smile than to cry and feel out load the sadness that I feel within.  My heart aches so.

Anyways, not sleeping well and because I really only communicate with my husband and Michelle now, I have more time.  So I will probably be on here a bit more.

Mom, I hope things are going well, tried to call but haven't been successful, I think fall festival is soon so your probably really busy.  I sure would like to come up for it one of these days.  I would really like to go to the Art Festival in A2 again.  I would like to get back up to Mackinaw Island, I have such fond memories of that trip.  I think it was one of the only Vacations we ever took that wasn't going to visit family?  Not that I did not have a blast going to Batavia or to Higgins Lake.  I really did!  I miss you and can't wait to see you in December, stay healthy please....Hugs and Kisses to you and Jerry.

Teresa

Well, I saw Sugarland last night.  Definately the best concert I have EVER been to.  And I have seen them 4 times now.  And been to probably 30 concerts, so this is saying alot.  It was Freekin GREAT!!!!!

My daughter is not speaking to me.  The concert was a temporary relief but reality is back and I am very sad.  Thinking I may need medication.  I mean I can't be crying on my job, which has happened a few times this week.  Even when I am not crying people are commenting on how depressed I look, people who have no idea I'v been crying or that anything is wrong. 

I guess I just need to let go and let God.  There is nothing I can say, and if I did it would be the wrong way. 

I have managed to alienate my younger sister,  about 8 years ago.  She has not spoken to me since.  And now my daughter.  And for what?  I had heard my sister was keeping her special needs daughter in a closet to seperate her from her perfect children, so she could not physically harm them, at the request of seperation of children made by the other kids father.  I called department of children and family to check it out.  My daughter, well I commented on how she was handling a situation with a child she is caring for.  She feels I have judged her her whole life and that I had no business commenting after seeing her with him after only about 2 hours. 

My daughter has let me know she is over me and does not want anything more to do with me.  While I was there about 3 weeks ago she gave me a necklace and earrings for my Birthday, very expensive.  I sent them back overnight as they had put on an account and could return them within 30 days.  Monday will be thirty days.  I just didn't want them to be reminded of me and pay for something every month for someone they hated.  I also, mailed my cell phone to them.  They had set me up with a phone in which I paid  $10 a month to be a part of there plan, so that Kelly could talk to me free any time any where.  Now that she is not talking to me.  I figured she would not want to reach me every month to collect my $10.00.  So now she has no reason.  I am trying to be blameless here.  I had sent an apology which she did not like, as I tried to explain why I said what I did.  Her response was very bad.  So I sent another simply saying,  I am sorry.